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little liv

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[March 14th, 2008 @ 10:06pm]
mono fucken sucks. and my b-day is on monday. and i just want to jump of the roof because mono is very painful. and i misss everyone. im going to school on monday no matter how sick i am b/c im not spending my b-day alone.

here the new one:
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[February 22nd, 2008 @ 12:33pm]
i really wish i could sing right now because im really into this song time after time like its eating me alive and if only i could sing something so beautiful. haha that reminds me of that one movie. im not going to lie i am having a very hard time timeing and that mean typing in dxlysic shit i hope i spelled that right. like thats really funny. haha this song is crazy i love it freakin i am a revenant is crazy. i desided on a college. ,that would be niagara which iv very excited about because that means lots of acess to hang out with my lover jack danials and others. but im afraid its not going to offer the drugs i want. well its college and if they dont i might give me a little motivation to come back to syrcause and it will mean ill be speneding alot of time on that train to nyc but u know ill deal with it cuz nyc is freaken awesome but like then thta means i should go to purchase right?

[January 20th, 2008 @ 1:39am]
today is the day i leave u in yesterday. goodbye. im over it. i think. i hope. i am.
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[November 23rd, 2007 @ 12:24am]
does LJ delete old entries??? anyways all i can say is wensday night was :-D
this signal life is kind of pretty amazing.
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[October 9th, 2007 @ 7:56pm]
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

[October 5th, 2007 @ 8:20am]
i dont get it i dont understand this fuck i feel sick and numb and i just wanna lay in bed and cry, this is awful.

I had a dream Crispy crispy Benjamin Franklin came over [September 15th, 2007 @ 3:50pm]
last night i was awaked with the realiztion that there might not be an after life and i spent the next 15 minutes crying. what is the point of breathing if when i die i dont get to see the ones i love anymore. i might as well not love anyone.

hahaha [August 23rd, 2007 @ 3:42pm]
niki: is there any more of this normal chicken?
isaac: what?
niki:isaac look at this chicken u see the brown cripys on it? thats normal chicken.


[August 23rd, 2007 @ 11:17am]
niki:"2 plus 4 equals 8"
carman"uh no its 4"
me: "um 6"
carmen:".... ooo yea"

haha last night was AWESOME

[August 20th, 2007 @ 12:14pm]
the reasons i love beasley
great quotes from last night

"What the hell! i wanted white icecream!.... yum this is good tho"
"what kind did you order then?"

"are we going to grandma's house?"

shit there was more o well ill rememeber later.

[August 5th, 2007 @ 8:32am]
yesterday was me and isaac's 1 year! woot! it was a nice day we went to wegmans and bought lots of candy and said hi to trevor cuz he was working then we went to my grandmas house for my brother's b-day party and we made cupcakes and ate food and then watched the kids in the pool and then danced with maggie and she tought me and isaac how to walk like a model it was so cute cuz shes like almost 3 and then me and isaac came home and he ironed my cloths while i got ready for work which was quite boring cuz it was slow and my feet hurt cuz of my work shoes and then fucken david showed up then i left and me and isaac went to dinner and then watched a movie but of course i feel asleep and then i woke up to go home and we just started talking and i was great i love him so much. :-)

i hate you [August 5th, 2007 @ 12:00am]
i hate you for everything
i hate you for being there today
for showing up
for smiling
for making me almost cry at work
i hate you for makeing me hate myself all over again
i hate you for makeing me almost drop the dishes
i hate you

amazing day. [July 23rd, 2007 @ 9:27am]
so yesterday me and isaac went to the ren. feastivel. it was alot of fun. we had out tarot cards read, we watched a bunch of really funny shows, ate food listened to celtic music i got a henna tatoo we met this random guy who like was tring to teach us life lessons but idk they world good he was a nice old man. and he said "as you get older remember to always have faith in yourself. if you have faith in your self then you are truely a strong person" and he kept saying things like that then he turns to isaac and says "shes a keeper dont let her get away dont let someone else take her" and isaac says back " dont worry i already know this and im not going to let her go" it was so sweet. and then the old man gets up and says "i to people watch and i like to talk to new peole alot so i kno the differnce between good and bad people and you two are goo people remeber what i said" then he walked away it was intersting. later isaac bought me the most beautiful rose and looked into my eyes and was like " you have the most beautiful eyes, i love you" i almost cried it was way to sweet.

then later dan and caitlin and mark came over and we went to get pizza and couldnt find an open place and cailtin was like lets get a frozen one so we did then went to isaac's house and had pizza and talked with his mom and showed her who sailor moon was and yea then cailtin and dan and mark left and me and isaac talked for a while and just were being silly and tickling and such but it was a great day.
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[July 19th, 2007 @ 10:49am]
if i hand you the letter so you can remeber the look of my face and the pain in my eyes will it make a differnce or will this just make the game more fun for you? will you even bother to read it do you even care? i wish you did but i know you dont.

the truth is [July 18th, 2007 @ 11:39am]
[ mood | broken ]

the truth is i hate you. i hate everything u did to me. i hate all your little sick games. i wrote you a letter saying everything i wanted to say to u in the past few years. it was 2 pages long and i want to show it to u and show u how u make me sick. i want it to make u feel as awful as i did and do. but the truth is. i know u. i know u too well and i know im nothing more then a game to u. that that letter wont effect u. that no matter what i could do i cant win with u. that letter makes me so angery it made things worse because it just let all those doors open again and i want you to know i want you to hurt i want u to be the game. but it will never be that way. i want to go up to u and say fuck you for everything but i cant. im too scared. i want to punch you but ull just laugh. i hate you for all those things you made me feel. i hate you for those years. i hate you for everything. im afraid and i cant breath and i want to send you that letter but i couldnt because it would mean nothing to you. i never ment anything to you. i was never anyone to you. and i hate you for makeing me believe i was somehow special in you fucking eyes. so fuck off.


i dont understand people [July 14th, 2007 @ 3:30pm]
people are odd beings. and i cant seem to understand most of them. in the past month ever since iv been working iv have started to meet stranger and stranger people. i just dont understand people. i must be an alien or something. idk.

rant and vent and geting it all out. [July 10th, 2007 @ 11:45am]
i dont get it
im nice to the one i hate
and awful to the one i love
both hurt me
i hate him and i gave him another chance
is it because i know hell always come back? im just like her! im plaing games with his heart just like she did to me. why am i such a mean person? she walked out on my and i deleted her from my life. i walked out on him. just to keep him around i talk once in a while to him. like she did near the end. why do i do this to myself. i knwo the truth of why i play these games. i know why him and not her. i know. i cant tell myself this because it will hurt way too much.

im off blance and i cant breath. ill pray for it back.

the truth is im scared. of what might happen. if everything he told me or if everything i saw came true. my guid says it wont but what if it does. im scared of the truth and thats why i need him to stay and for her to leave. her leaveing in the long run will heal but him leaving might make things worse.

were have i gone? i dont feel all here. half of me is somewere else and i dont know what to do. maybe isaac is right. something is always wrong with me. i cant let myself feel happy. i always have to find fear or fult or worry. im sick what can i say. the pill doesnt work and i dont know what the world wants. i will say this tho. i do feel more here then i ever had. isaac makes me feel. that emotion u had when ur a child that happeniss that the world was just so amazing. isaac brings it back im safe and beautiful im a good person i smart i have something to offer to the world. he makes me feel that when i never felt that b4. b4 i was unsafe ugly stupid and worthless even tho people told me that i felt like it was somehting they had to say. and with david breakin my heart into 100 little pieces over and over again i really just bealived i was nothing special. i hate him for that. i hate david and have nothing agest hannah. if shes happy and hes happy then w/e let them be because i hate him for hurting me so much. 2 years of it. i want those 2 years of self pitty back. but i was just like david leading him on. hurting him. i was just like her too. closing the door on a friendship she didnt want to deal with. i know those feels of hurt. and yet im just the same. iv hurt everyone iv ever met. i dont want to hurt anymore. its mylast year this year and im not going to hurt anymore. i need to find peace and if i keep hurting and hiding and being scared of something that most likly wont happen i wont be happy.

i pray to u mother to help me.

[July 10th, 2007 @ 11:33am]
if 8 normal people couldnt find it then what makes him think he could?

haha last night was amazing with sara and kyle yet i will never be able to look at some ppl the same again... ewww

[July 9th, 2007 @ 10:31am]
yesterday i went with isaac's rents to drop off isaac. i miss him much and i have to wait 2 weeks to see him again. but its ok cuz im going to camp in a few days with anna and johnny. i cant wait to see isaac tho.

[June 30th, 2007 @ 1:20pm]
fuck. steve got fucken fired. it was nice to talk to him so i was kind of very heartbroken.

i want to give this person a chance just because im a nice person but i cant bring myself to do so.

this cd im listing too is probably the most beautiful thing iv ever heard. i found the CD in this CD casses someone throw away. well it was really my brother who found it. and its a burned Cd but the music is just amazing. idk i cant explain it.

i just jumped around from 3 differnt things i feel. plus add that new emotion of happyness i have been feeling. its not really happyness its like an old childhood emotion for happyness when like you go to disnyworld when ur a child and its like magical.idk i feel this magical happyness.

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